


Is better enough.

by peacepen



Category: Natasha Pierre and the Great Comet of 1812 - Malloy, Voyná i mir | War and Peace - Leo Tolstoy, War and Peace (TV 2016)
Genre: (I redid it so I could work it into a full...thing, Andrei is a dog trainer, Andrei takes a lot of charge in Pierre's health but he doesn't push anything Pierre doesn't want, M/M, Mentally Ill Pierre, Pierre is a photographer, Recovery, Shoot me some prompts, There's a dog but she's not too important, andrei is a dad boyfriend, andrei is a top, andrei loves pierre and just wants him to be happy, dissociation ment, its just important to me that you know that, like he's not controlling, might be continued, supportive boyfriends, unbetad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-29
Updated: 2019-01-29
Packaged: 2019-10-18 20:50:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,477
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17588168
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/peacepen/pseuds/peacepen
Summary: Loneliness is a sign you are in desperate need of yourself. - Rupi KaurMaybe things were getting better. He felt happy now, this park made him happy. Andrey made him happy. Their dog made him happy. He could be happy all the time, then, it couldn’t be that hard if sitting here, appreciating this place, appreciating the boyfriend who took him there, was so easy.He couldn’t be happy before. Months ago, he would’ve never even gone out of the house to the park. Even then, he wouldn’t be happy there. The only place he was happy then was his home.So maybe he was better. Not perfect, but better.





	Is better enough.

**Author's Note:**

> Hello has it become clear to you guys that I exclusively write characters with spiraling thoughts? Hehe. I hope you enjoy! This has barely been edited! Might turn into a series like the other things I write might turn into a series! That'll happen if y'all shoot me some prompts over at my Tumblr Musicalfucker or my PillowFort Lemonlesbian. 
> 
> Any questions let me know!
> 
> All the love!

**Loneliness is a sign you are in desperate need of yourself.**

  The park was idyllic, at least to him.

  The bench he’d stopped to read on was bathed in the sunlight that flooded through trees from behind him, making it a warm and comfortable place to sit. The rest of the park seemed picturesque, he’d actually stop to take a few pictures if he had something to take pictures of along with the natural background, most people didn’t really appreciate picture’s of just trees. The day was quiet, save for the chirping of birds, the surrounding trees blocked off all the noise of busy traffic. 

  A perfect, ideal place to sit and read quietly while Andrey was off with their dog. 

    Maybe things were getting better. He felt happy now, this park made him happy. Andrey made him happy. Their dog made him happy. He could be happy all the time, then, it couldn’t be that hard if sitting here, appreciating this place, appreciating the boyfriend who took him there, was so easy. 

   He couldn’t be happy before. Months ago, he would’ve never even gone out of the house to the park. Even then, he wouldn’t be happy there. The only place he was happy then was his home. 

    So maybe he was better. Not perfect, but better. 

  He'd never had interests before. Well, not real ones. Nothing he’d ever really pursued. The return to society, the return to meds, the return to Andrei, the return, had brought him to a place where he could spend more time on thing comfortably, a place where he could sit on a bench and enjoy the park.

 Could you really consider it a return if he was better than he ever was before?

 Even before the worst, he hadn’t been very good or very stable. 

  It was a beginning then, not a return. 

     The beginning of treating himself right, the beginning of everyday work that gives him purpose, the beginning of new experiences. After all, he and Andrei were closer now than they’d ever been before, partners in the romantic sense of the word. Although he’d had treatment for illness  _ ( He grimaces internally at the word, because even though he accepts that he’s got mental illness, that he’s ‘sick’, that he’s  _ _ ill _ _ , it hurts to face it. The word ‘ illness’ is so repulsive, so unattractive and weak, he hates it. He hates the word and describing himself with it, but no alternative feels right either. It’s not the word, no word would ever make him pleasant with reality of his mental illness, it’s just the fact that this is what he is. He doesn’t feel bad when he’s referring to others illness, just his own. He’s still working on making it less disgusting to himself, making his own brain less ugly to itself. It’s a work in progress. _ ) in the past, he’d never really, seriously worked on getting himself to a better place. Now, he took different meds and saw a therapist and journaled his thoughts. He had a safe person to talk to, and healthy coping mechanisms (as opposed to the unhealthy alcoholism). He had a job, a job that he enjoyed and had enjoyed for the past two months, which was longer than he’d stayed at any job previously. 

      Any interest he'd had was fleeting and didn’t last long enough to make anything meaningful from it, he’d never found a job because he didn’t need to, but he also couldn’t commit to something that wouldn’t make him crave a move only weeks later. With this new beginning, an interest in photography had sparked. Pierre had gotten pretty good at it too, after diving deep into the technique and taking a class. He actually took pleasure in doing his job. He was just an assistant at a photography agency that belonged to one of Andrei’s friends, it was rare that he lead a shoot, but he took pleasure in it. The people he worked with were nice and very understanding and clients were usually polite as well. To himself, he notes which coworkers he likes the best and which still make him nervous. From there he thinks about which shoots have been the most challenging. 

  He gets stuck in his own head quite a bit. 

  The spiral of his own thoughts is intense. Lost in reverie, it’s so easy for him to just separated from his reality and crawl deep into his head, undisturbed by the outside world. 

   He does this again and again;  so often he disconnects from everything in favor of overthinking, that Andrei recognizes the look on his face when he walks upon Pierre. 

  Their dog, Honeydew, walks at his side, sitting when he stops. He gives her a small smile and signs ‘Yes’, her signal for treats, she’ll have to wait until after he talks to Pierre, though.  He directs his attention to Pierre, who hasn’t even noticed that Andrei stands in front of him. 

  “Pierre.” There’s no response, Pierre grumbles a little and slouches down, but Andrei’s sure this has nothing to do with him.

  “Pierre.” He repeats with more insistence and higher volume. This time, his boyfriend stirs from his thoughts with a shudder. He scans Andrei and relaxes, and Andrei can see the brightness return to his face. Good, he wasn’t dissociating. Just lost in thought, not spiraling too bad. 

  “Hey.” Pierre sighed, straightening his back and smiling at Andrei. “Hey, Honeydew. How’s the walk been?” 

   “Good.” Andrei smiled, then gestured to the book sitting in Pierre’s lap. “How’s the reading?” 

  Pierre seemed to realize that he had a book at all and his face burned red as he stared at the novel  he’d barely even opened. “Uh, I didn’t really read much. Just…” 

  “Thinking.” Andrei finished for him, rather than waiting for Pierre to come up with an explanation for why he hadn’t picked up the book. “That’s fine.” 

   “I was thinking about how much I like it here. How things are good now. .” The words rush from his mouth, he’s desperate to give an explanation. Andrei hasn’t said anything to make him feel like he’s disappointed with him, and yet, Pierre feels like he must explain himself and get redemption. He wasn’t sitting on the bench thinking depressing thoughts, he wasn’t dissociating, he’s not bad, he’s not depressed, he’s not  _ ill.  _ He was thinking about how happy he was, is all. Isn’t that a good thing, being happy? 

  “You were.” Andrei says, incredulous that Pierre’s been participating in a healthy amount of appreciating his surroundings.    
  
 “I was! It started that way anyway.” 

 Andrei moves to sit next to Pierre on the bench and grabs his hand gently. “What were you thinking about?” 

“I just… I’m happy here, I think. I’m happy now… I’m comfortable with work and Doctor Sokolov… I’m happy with you.”

   “That’s good. Happy feelings are good. I mean, I’m no therapist, but I think that’s better.” 

 “That’s what I thought, too. I feel better.” Pierre looks at Andrei and he seems like he’s pleading for validation. ‘Please let me be good enough for you. I’m not good but I’m better and I’m trying to be enough for you.’

   “Well, that doesn’t mean we can stop therapy or meds, you’re better because you do that stuff, taking it away wouldn’t help at all.” Pierre went to therapy and took his meds and Andrei was sure he enjoyed their benefits, but occasionally he’d decide he didn’t want to go or take them anymore. Usually, the desire to quit his meds was born from feeling weak for needing them, while trying to quit therapy meant Pierre just didn’t want to get out of the house and talk to someone. He’d been doing good on both for a while, but Andrei still had to be on the defensive for ‘tools that help Pierre’. He’s terrified of what would happen to Pierre if he actually quit trying, he couldn’t bear to see it happen. 

  “Yeah, no. I’m not perfect, I was just… Thinking about how I’m better.”    
  
  “Are you proud?” 

 “I think so, maybe… Yes.” He should be proud, Pierre realizes, he’s come so far. 

“It’s a work in progress.” Andrei answers. 

“I think that’s enough. I think happy is enough, being able to enjoy things again is… enough.” 

   “It’s all you.” Andrei smiles at him and squeezes his hand, Honeydew paws at his leg and whines to remind him that he’s forgotten her well-deserved treat. “Alright, we’d better head home. This stinker is hungry.” 

“Yeah, it was a nice time. I wish I’d read, though.” 

“Reading is good, but positive thinking is good, too.” 

 They both stand and make their way across the park to the car, Andrei’s hand in Pierre’s, Honeydew’s leash in Andrei’s grip. 

He’s not perfect. He sure is happy here, though. 

That’s enough. 

He’s sure that’s enough. 

  
  



End file.
